September .. 20: Toronto - Sudbury

I'm on a bus to Winnipeg, Manitoba to stay with my aunt-- a 31 hour busride (our longest yet) and I have no idea how i'll do it.

I got back from Owen Sound into toronto the day before this, and was met at the station by Tara. OH MAN it was good to see her. We went back to her brothers/Drew's house and I was able to just kick back and visit with old friends. I felt so relaxed and wonderful -- playing music with Tara always does that to me. We sang songs, chatted and just enjoyed the moment.
I feel myself again.

I guess I was redefining myself without realising it. How can I explain it to you though? Its sort of difficult. I guess I feel pressure to be on my toes all the time.. but when I sit back and ask who I am? I'm not organized, I'm not a logical thinker... I guess I'm sort of abstract.. I'm funny-looking.. I'm like everyone else -- an artist of many mediums. I'm going to sing loud, talk to strangers and get excited about random shit. Sometimes when I sit on the bus and stare at the scenery, I see things through a lens, on a canvise and most im portantly in a moment and place outside of time and space -- like God's eternal beauty shines through. Example? I'll see a tree, twisted and dead standing in the middle of gorgeous wetland, and crane my head to see it for as long as I can -- like for that few seconds, I can feel eternity in a freeze frame. It's in moments like that I wish I was off the bus. When I do this trip again, it will be by bike or on foot.

I still feel like something's not sitting right within myself, but i'm coming to a point where I dont care anymore and I pray the Lord knows what's going on and trust what He's doing makes sense in some way. I recomment the book of Ecclesiastes during moments where you have no idea what the flip is happening. I think a lot of uneasiness comes from the fact that on a bus for this long, your mind has time to get going -- and i mean really get going... but you know, for whatever reason it IS going and I imagine/know that a lot can be learned about myself from having this much time to think and ponder life. Here I sit at 12:00am on the bus and you know what? This is as real as it gets. There's nobody to put on a show for. I like to think I don't put on shows, but I do and so do you. Every so often you can't help it and you do it without even noticing.

Written on bus ride between thunder bay and winnipeg at 10:30am:
I slept sitting up on the bus for 30 minutes. It was all I could manage. We still have 8 hours left. I feel dazed.