Tough Stuff

I woke up feeling anxious so I thought I'd write a few things out on here for something to do. I also decided that while I value the opinions of my friends I still like myspace so I won't give it up for good.
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When he loves you he grows you. When he grows you it hurts. When it hurts I tell him how beautiful he is-- but I'm not being a good Christian. Don't be fooled. I can say it -- and mean it -- until i'm blue in the face, but the dance of worship has recently doubled as the dance of avoidance. I was sitting on the back porch with my mum on saturday evening trying to describe the unsettled feeling I experienced when I came home from my walks and adventures. I was met with 'are you sure you are really fine with what's happened here?' (she means my dad leaving recently. no fighting, no drama and no warning. He left.) I prayed it inside out as it happened. As he drove off I was looking for some sort of sadness but couldn't find anything. I'm not outwardly emotional and in this case the inside wasn't much different. I decided it was because God granted me peace. In my reasoning my dad can't give me what he doesn't have to give and its not his fault, when he walked out the front door it's like Jesus came in the back door-- my mom/brother became Christians.. and finally: I already have a perfect Father. So what is it about this conversation with my mum that bothers me so much? I'm trying to figure it out. I am hesitant to give it much attention simply for the fact that I can try to dig out some sort of emotion but now isn't the time to rebuild that relationship anyway because he's not ready. (And mount-homework looms off in the distance which continually demands my focus) That being said God, if this is how you want me to grow I'll do it. But it's bothersome and I need to be darn sure this is you.

I've decided to post this at all for a couple of reasons.. 1) this is a blog about where i'm at. this is where i'm at. 2) I'd appreciate some sort of prayer if you feel moved in that way 3) censoring everything less than wonderful would make me feel one-sided. Stuff gets messy and it's not a dirty secret or a huge drama.. It's just how things are sometimes and that's okay.

If the Lord delights in a man's way
He makes his steps firm;
though he stumbles he will not fall
for the Lord upholds him with his hand [Psalm 37.23-24]

I will declare that your love stands firm forever
That you established your faithfulness in heaven itself [Psalm 89.2]